if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
