Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
