my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
