I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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