I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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