Joe is yelling at the trees again.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
