Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
