I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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