dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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