The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
