how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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