Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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