Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
