I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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