cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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