When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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