i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
