I just made out with a guy for $7.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
