I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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