Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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