Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
