he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
