using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
