My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
