Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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