you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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