She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
this hospital has no fireball
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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