My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
