Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
