well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
