Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
