So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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