I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
