I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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