be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
