so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
