I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
