There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
