There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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