Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
