i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
