positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
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BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill