i don't like sucking hair
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I FOUND THE LEGS
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
