Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
