the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
