at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
