So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im having a threesome with these popsicles
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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