you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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