Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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