Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
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Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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