youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
