Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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