So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
