Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
