i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
