So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
