I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
