i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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