Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
