She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
